If you read my last diary, you know that our 2010 Camry started making grinding noises 10 days ago, limped home, and refused to start again after it was parked. We tried a local mechanic who couldn't figure out what was wrong to the tune of $250, plus towing. We had it towed again to the dealership. The local dealership is owned by one person who owns several of them in the area, plus dealerships for several other car brands. It is the only game in town. We knew it was going to be expensive if the local.mechanic couldn't fix it.
Good News: The Toyota guy was pleasant and professional. He explained that it was a freak thing. There is a plate on the timing belt that broke off, fell into the engine, and killed. He said he had seen it twice before, and that explained the grinding noise. It damaged the engine badly. It made sense to.my husband.
I confess I am completely unmechanical. I can draft a pattern for an Elizabethan gown or my Glinda costume in my head ( which a skill test I took claims is mechanical but I think they have their head so far up their ass it is coming around for a second look,kinda like Lindsay Graham with Trump) but mechanical objects defeat me, except for sewing machines. As far as I am concerned, planes and cars run on IFM ( It's Fucking Magic) Drives. Or possibly Rodeo Drives (Beverley Hills wives peddling their ridiculously toned thighs into steel cords that could choke a man like the assassin in that Bond movie). I want them to get me from Point A to Point B reliably, period.
So the car is running. Mr. Witch can get to and from work without having to cadge a ride from remarkably kind co-workers.
Bad News: It wiped us out to the tune of $4,600. Which is actually BELOW the average cost for an engine replacement according to the Net--$600 below. So they really weren't ripping us off as I and some of you feared.
It took our entire tax refund and Mr. Witch's pension check. I think we have 30 bucks to last till the 7th when my husband gets paid. We have food to last us, and I have the meals planned. We aren't going hungry. Anyone who has ever been a military wife knows a plethora of cheap, nourishing, delicious dishes! Tomorrow, it is pork.medallions, Tuesday chicken fried rice, chicken cacciatore Wednesday
Our landlord, Greg, is a decent guy. We usually hang out on Halloween along with his late wife's family, handing out candy. He will.get paid a few days late. That plus Geico will wipe us out. We don't have to.pay utilities because the rent includes everything but garbage. We will drag out phone and internet/ cable (our main indulgence).
So the basics will be covered. We will have heat and light and food.
My dining room set will take a bit longer to buy. I will live. So far, the chairs have held together after their most recent gluing together. My fingers and toes are crossed that it will last a little longer.
When you have to start over from scratch, you can let the anger consume you the way grief consumes you when you lose a spouse or a child. Trust me, I know about grief--34 years later I still feel that tsunami of loss threaten to drag me under, even after 30 years of happy remarriage. But if you allow yourself to stay angry over the loss of all you own, it poisons your life and you rot from.the inside. And the thieves win twice.
Yes, I was furious. I was in pain from sleeping on deflating air mattresses and the floor. I was mourning the loss of small treasures: original artwork, photos, costumes, SCA garb, china that cannot be replaced, my mother's silver tea set, Japanese china. I stomped around and raged for a week or two. If I had ever been tempted to stick pins in a poppet, it was one of a woman named Phyllis who was the voice of the grifters. The thought of her in an orange jumpsuit is very satisfying, and I.hope she spends a lot of time sewing jeans or peeling potatoes.
And then I got on with my life. I am not an angel or a martyr and I did not offer it up for the suffering souls in Purgatory, the way the nuns would have told me to do ( mostly because I don't believe in Purgatory; I believe reincarnation makes more sense-- that or nothing but rejoining the universe as star stuff).
What I am is practical. There are two characters I identify with in fiction. The first is Claire, the heroine of the Outlander books. Incredibly practical, she is a survivor and she doesn't suffer fools gladly and her sense of humor is similar to mine. The other is Jane Eyre, because she refuses to settle for less than what she deserves: She won't be Rochester's mistress because she knows how unstable such a position is, nor will she settle for a practical marriage as a missionary 's wife because she will not be denied real love.
Life deals you blows. Who you are, what you have made yourself into, determines whether those blows destroy you. You can choose anger and rage at t h e unfairness ( and the blows usually are unfair) and let it kill you. I am not talking about clinical depression here-- no amount of just getting on with it works with that. I have been there. That is very different. But in other situations, you can wallow in the anger, or you can, a little at a time, pick yourself up and just deal. I am.not chirpily claiming that wh e n you're handed lemons, just make lemonade,because the people who say that have seldom actually had to.deal with real problems. I kinda fantasize about punching the lemonade makers.
We furnished our place a little at a time. You really learn to appreciate simple necessities and small pleasures. Sitting on a couch is a lot nicer than a bean bag chair when you are over 65. One of the things I actually enjoyed was buying a set of back dishes, simple but elegant. I fell in love with the curve of the spoons which actually look medieval. Smoked glasses from the dollar store. The whole set-- dishes, flatware glasses-- cost under a hundred dollars, and they are lovely. The same is true of the furniture. We found things we loved and chose each piece carefully--perhaps even mindfully. I get up every day and am grateful for what we have. And the dining room will happen.
I have a specific set in mind with a round ( but expandable from 4 to 6 people) pedestal table and 6 cushioned chairs of leather ( because the cats are less likely to molest leather and my aging derriere and cranky back prefer padding to hard wood). We lost a carved rosewood table and chairs, an elm.and brass bar, buffet cabinet and china cabinet to the movers. What will replace them eventually is nowhere near their level, but it is pretty, useful, and comfortable. And eminently practical. I went for Basic Black for furniture because it doesn't show paw prints! And maybe because I am still Goth at heart.
This started out to be a quick diary on how we are doing: really strapped through April, but hanging on by our fingernails. It turned into something else. I am.not sure quite what. Perhaps a meditation on not letting loss and anger destroy you? On realizing that there sre people a lot worse off? We are cash strapped, which makes me grumpy. I am not happy about postponing purchases. Besides the dining room set, I wanted to replace the couch cover--we bought the couch with a light beige slipcover, and it instantly became the best place for a cat to throw up or hack up a hairball. The new one will be a deep gold or dark gray. I can live with beige a while longer.
But we have a place to live, a bed to sleep in, food and things to cook it in and dishes to eat from. We have warm clothing, and we carried my good jewelry with us. The cats are healthy. We are healthy. My husband has a steady job. The car is fixed, so we are no.longer housebound. It won't kill us to wait a few weeks to.see the March movies ( we usually wait till they have been out a couple of weeks anyway to.avoid crowds). Life is far from perfect, but it isn't bad, either. It is hard right now but it is enough.
Mr. Witch and I want to thank you all for your support and offers of help. You guys have been my support network through some pretty hard times--living with MiL; caring for Dad; dealing with the fact that whether he intended it or not, Dad's perfectionism was abusive; Mr. Witch's heart surgery; the move up here,and now this.
I am.planning on mostly staying away from the primary candidate diaries. As I have said, I am cranky about being strapped, and I don't want to take that out on someone even if I think they need it. I still.hope we can manage some level.of civility because we need to remember we are all on the same side, and our common goal is to remove the Cheeto-in -Chief from the White House and regain seats in the Senate so we can undo the damage the Republicans have done to this country. Do try to argue issues passionately while remembering that the goal is put Dems in office, even if those Dems aren't our first choice. I understand disappointment. Bernie was my first choice in 2016. I got over it. Getting over it is much, much easier if you aren't eaten up with anger.
And now I guess that this diary about my personal losses is actually political after all.